Our Stories

An Open Letter About Marriage

by Anita Cadonau-Huseby

February 22, 2004

Dana and I, only together as a couple for four years, have met dozens of gay and lesbian couples over the last week who have been together in committed relationships for ten, twenty, and thirty years. On Sunday afternoon we went to a joint celebration in San Francisco held for Del Martin and Phyllis Lyon in honor of their fifty-one year relationship and to honor the hundreds of couples who have received marriage licenses over the last few days. There were more than 2000 people in attendance, all dressed in wedding finery for a wedding reception that was long overdue. When Del and Phyllis entered the hall to 'walk down the aisle' the applause was deafening. Everyone was cheering and nearly every eye was teary. It was, without question, one of the most lovely, sweet, and love-affirming moments I've experienced.

The mass wedding reception began with gospel music from the Glide Memorial Choir. Blessings were given to Del, Phyllis, and all the couples by clergy. Speeches full of joy were spoken by politicians and city officials. Those straight allies who have stood with us, risking their very jobs for our right to marry were greeted as heroes and heroes they are to us. Throughout the following hours there was dancing, and laughter, meeting new couples as committed to their love as Dana and I are to ours. There wasn't a single blemish, a negative moment, a hateful word spoken. I felt honored to stand in the middle of such amazing and brave people and as a person of faith who looks for the sacred in every moment, God was surely in that place.

As Dana and I stood waiting at the underground station for the train that would take us back to our side of the Bay, we met a lesbian couple who have been together for more than twenty-five years. They went to City Hall on one of the first days to marry but their children grew tired and cold and so they left before they had the chance to obtain their license. They were hoping to make an appointment at City Hall in the coming week. "We've waited twenty-five years for this so I suppose we can wait another few days." As we rode the train home, I watched them talking tenderly between each other, twenty-five years of shared history passing between them, the love for their family a bond between them and in my heart I prayed blessings for them and others like them who through adversity have not only held onto their relationship but allowed it to flourish.

Mr. Schwarzenegger called for an end to gay marriages in San Francisco with the claim that "All of a sudden we see riots, we see protests, we see people clashing. The next thing we know, there is injured or there is dead people. We don't want it to get to that extent.''

Did I miss something? Did someone violently hurl a slice of wedding cake? Did a tin can tied onto the car bumper of a newly-married couple knock an innocent bystander unconscious? I must have been looking the other way because the only actions I've observed (having been an actual eyewitness at City Hall unlike Mr. Schwarzenegger) have been those of love and celebration. Though hundreds have filled City Hall and the streets surrounding it for days on end, the only disturbance through it all has come from a small band of individuals who attempted to block the County Clerks office in their crusade to stop gay marriages in the name of God. And the violent clash that resulted? Dozens of gay and lesbian couples standing in line singing "God Bless America." Oh, the carnage.

Mr. Schwarzenegger also relied on the threat that if marriage licenses could be issued in San Francisco for same sex couples then the next thing that will happen is another city will hand out licenses for assault weapons and yet another will make licenses for selling drugs available. Gay marriage...assault weapons....selling drugs. How original Arnold. It's surprising he didn't take it one step further to suggest people would soon be breaking down the doors of City Hall in Topeka to obtain licenses allowing them to enter into marriage with their German Shepherd, a favorite argument of the folks over at The 700 Club.

And this morning, in a move unsurprising and yet still disappointing, Mr. Bush has reminded all of America of the need to protect the institution of marriage by radifying an amendment to the Constitution defining marriage as being between "one man and one woman." To allow gays and lesbians to marry will undo the ''most enduring human institution" and destroy the sanctity of marriage.

During the last two weeks thousands of gays and lesbians have stood in the rain for hours on end. They've camped overnight in the cold on city streets. They've traveled from across the country. They've done all this to be married; to say "I do" to a future life of love and commitment and at the judges pronouncement that they are "spouses for life" their children have looked on and danced with happiness.

During the same two week period, as in all the weeks and years and centuries prior while marriage has been the exclusive right of opposite sex couples, thousands of divorce papers have been filed in courts across our country. Husbands and fathers have been arrested for domestic abuse. Children have been removed from their homes because of neglect. Hotel rooms have been reserved by men and women engaged in extra-marital affairs and every network on television has vied for viewers with shows that reduce relationships and marriage to a game show, transforming potential married couples into contestants. How many families have been splintered apart in the past fourteen days as a result of family members killed by drunk drivers or murdered in gun-fire on our streets? How many marriages are disintegrating even now from alcohol and drug abuse or are being stretched beyond limit by poverty?

Just be honest about where the real threat to the institution of marriage resides.

Though I realize my limited capacity for objectivity in all this, I don't believe my view of what has transpired in San Francisco these past days has been glimpsed through rose colored glasses. My vision is crystal clear and so would anyone's be who would for a moment just take off their blinders of ignorance and fear and see, really see what is happening before them.

The invitation to witness the unfolding of events in San Francisco was extended to Mr. Schwarzenegger and President Bush by Mayor Gavin Newsom. No one expects them to accept the invitation; a response as familiar to many gay and lesbian couples as their old and tired arguments. When Dana and I were married in a church ceremony in April 2002 we sent wedding invitations to family members and friends. Those who have affirmed our relationship from the beginning came enthusiastically. Those who have viewed our relationship as sinful and morally reprehensible, not only didn't attend but most never even acknowledged the invitation. They didn't because they couldn't afford to run the risk. They couldn't risk seeing our love. They couldn't risk hearing our words of commitment and devotion. They couldn't risk experiencing the presence of God in our gathering. They couldn't risk encountering the truth of reality because it might well shatter the myth of their fears and ignorance.

"They have ears but they do not hear. They have eyes but they do not see." It is because of ignorance and fear we must continue to take whatever small actions we can to be a visible presence in our world, one person and one couple at a time. Those who live in the dark of ignorance need to be brought into the light of understanding. Those who speak words meant to impose fear must encounter expressions of love and justice. As a people committed to God's justice and love for all people upon the earth we must continue to speak and to be visible.

No one has ever accused me of being an activist but I'll tell you this . . . over the past two weeks I've had a taste of a just world in a small corner of it and that taste has made me insatiable for more.

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